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illustration by Alex Chapa Frankenstein, Doggie-Style! (The Radio Play)
by Marcus Del Greco

See the Doggie-Style! Production Page
(Radio script as it originally appeared before production...mostly!)

*original music for "Lay Down The Law" by Matty Sobecky

(begin)
("Who is The Freak" circus music for intro, with sounds)


ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentleman, children with strong stomachs, welcome to the Mind Mined Theatre!  As always here with us, you may find yourselves sometimes shocked and revolted, stunned in sheer surprise by the monstrosities we aspire to put on the air. (FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER  is heard, growling and moaning in a rhythmic mix of pain and pleasure, and rattling chains.  He continues between the ANNOUNCER'S words... ) Do not panic.  Although we have had a few premature childbirths and one heart-attack among our audience members, we believe these events are coincidental and are confident this will stand up in court.

(clears throat) (MONSTER grunts)

ANNOUNCER:   The Mind Mined Theatre's first presentation is "Frankenstein, Doggie-Style!" (loud crash of a thunderstorm as the MONSTER growls in the ecstatic fury of birth.  Fade in lab sounds... )  We take you now to the Chicago laboratory of Dr. Frankenstein and his faithful assistant Igor.  And to say the least, there's a new baby in the house.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN:   Holy Mary Mother of God, Igor!  We have done it!  We have created a monster!

IGOR:  Yessssss!  Yesssss, Massssster!

FRANKENSTEIN:  I cannot believe my experiment worked!  Igor, it's amazing!  Electricity!  Genetic alterations!  A minimum of robotic implants to control the beast... even some of your own DNA, Igor, treated with lysergic acid diethylamide that we ourselves synthesized!  (Click)  Look at the screen before you, Igor; this is the genetic makeup of our monster!

IGOR:  Jesus, Masster!  It isn't even a double-helix anymore!

FRANKENSTEIN:   I have taught you well, Igor, but alas, your DNA never formed a double-helix!  That's why you're such a freak!  And who can fathom what the LSD will do to that?

IGOR:   But Masster, are you sure some of that stuff didn't get into the vodka?

FRANKENSTEIN:  No, Igor!  I'm not sure at all!  That's the beauty... this creature, this monstrosity, how can we even be sure it's there at all?  It could be a figment of our insane imaginations, Igor!

IGOR:  But it's so reeaal, masster!  I wonder if I touched it ...

MONSTER:  GGGGRRRRRRRR!

FRANKENSTEIN: Igor, you fool!  There's nothing to be afraid of.  The monster is under our complete control.  Remember B.F. Skinner?  Watch!

(Electric shock noises are heard and the M0NSTER screams)

IGOR  (laughing sadistically at the MONSTER's  agony, collapsing in giggles):  Hahahahaha!  Haha!  Hahabahahahahah!  The electric crown of thorns!  Nice touch!  He's ours!  He's ours!  Hehehehehe!

(thunder crashes)

SONG:   "A MONSTER IS BORN"

FRANKENSTEIN (leading MONSTER by leash)

This is...
the dawning of a brand new Age...
the turning back of history's page...
thanks to a scientist's mind...

IGOR

Dr. Frankenstein!

BOTH

This is...
the emergence of a mutant form...
like an actor out of seventies porn...

a monster is born!

IGOR

We have...
given rise to an amazing beast...
joined the sciences of West and East...
It's partying time...

FRANKENSTEIN

Where's that bottle of wine?

(cork popping)

(Throughout, punctuated with the beat of the music, the MONSTER is trying to attack FRANKENSTEIN but is continually subdued by his electric crown.)

BOTH

This was the seed of  [igor's] (Igor: "my beautiful") gametes subjected to some chemical treats, and now, at last, the experiment's complete!
 

This is... !
the product of a crazy dream...
a swimming up against the stream...
the unexpected is norm...
a monster is born!
 

This is... !
the emergence of a mutant form...
like an actor out of seventies porn...
a monster is born!

FRANKENSTEIN (frantic):  Igor!  Um, have you seen the monster?  He he.  Seems we've LOST THE MONSTER!!  This is serious!  The comedy turns tragic!  So suddenly our creation is loose!

IGOR (scared out of his skull, music building to sappy reprise): Oh no!  Oh no!  We're gonna die!  Stuff like this always happens when we start singing show tunes.  Remember when we got 86ed from that bar in Montreal?

FRANKENSTEIN: This is no time for reminiscing!  What are we going to do?  Certainly that thing can't be safe out on the streets!  We've got to alert them; we've got to alert the authorities.  Without telling them we made the monster!  Igor,  get the police on the phone!

 

"A MONSTER IS BORN (Reprise)"

FRANKENSTEIN (collapsing in despair)

This is... !
The sounding of the trumpeter's horn...
All we knew before has been foresworn...
Let the city be warned...
a monster is born!

(cheesy gothic organ)

ANNOUNCER: Often is the time when carelessness results in dire consequences... when an experiment simply- goes wrong.  In the mixing of an alchemist's brew, one drop here, one drop there, it's always easy to put in just a little too much, and the whole thing turns out to be one bad trip. observe! ... As Dr.
Frankenstein and his faithful sex toy Igor try to separate the true mortal threat from the paranoid delusions as our chilling story continues... !

(instrumental crescendo)

FRANKENSTEIN:  Igor!  Get down off that table!  It was just a mouse.  Get your shit together and call the cops... there's a monster on the loose!

IGOR:  But Masster, he's gonna get me!  He's gonna get me!

FRANKENSTEIN:  Get your ass off that table, Igor!

IGOR:  I'm down, I'm down.  Don't get pushy.

FRANKENSTEIN:  Here, call the cops!   (telephone dialing sound)

OPERATOR:  Police Emergency Line.  Whaddya want, it's a busy night.

IGOR:  Um, I'd like to report a monster sighting.

OPERATOR:  A what?

IGOR:  That's right, there's a monster running around the North Side.  He looks dangerous, uh, we didn't want anyone to get hurt.

OPERATOR:   Describe this monster.

IGOR:  Oh, he's big, green, got bolts in his neck.  Like in the movies.

OPERATOR:  You mean to tell me you've seen a real monster on the streets of our city?

IGOR:  Yes!  It's horrible!  I couldn't believe my eyes!

OPERATOR:  Sir, have you ingested any illicit substances today?

IGOR:   No!

OPERATOR:  You certainly don't sound like the voice of sobriety, "monster-boy." Would you mind if we traced your number and sent someone over to ask you some questions?

IGOR:  No! I mean, YES!

OPERATOR:  Yes you'll let us?  Thank you sir, you've been very helpful.   (Click)

FRANKENSTEIN:   What is it, Igor? what did they say?

IGOR:  I dunno.  I think they're sending an officer over to ask us more questions!

FRANKENSTEIN: What!?  Oh, no, Igor!  You stupid mongrel!  Now we've got to hide the drugs!  Unplug the burners... hide the test tubes and flasks, the elixir... hide everything!  (clinking of glass and stopping of lab sounds)

(knock knock!)

FRANKENSTEIN:  He's here!!  It's the cop!  Unlock the door, Igor!  Do you think he'll suspect something because the door's locked?  Do you think he can hear me?  Am I just being paranoid?  Oh, God, Igor, we're gonna get BUSTED!

(Door crashes open and FRANKENSTEIN and IGOR gasp.  Trombone slide to indicate sexy woman appropriate here.)

OFFICER 1:  Freeze!  You have the right to remain silent... (he continues reading Miranda rights but falls back in the mix)

OFFICER MA'AM:  A scientist's intuition, I suppose.  It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Frankenstein.  Not many men see fit to wear a laboratory coat as an everyday item. (Her voice gets breathy) How else might you deviate from the norm, Dr. Frankenstein?

FRANKENSTEIN:   I'm hiding nothing!  And the coat... I'm a painter, too, you see...

OFFICER MA'AM (Slapping him across the face):  Shut up, you imbecile!  Do you think I'm impressed by your artistic sensibilities?  I'm gonna LAY DOWN THE LAW around here!

FRANKENSTEIN:   Igor, is this some kind of joke?  Did you accidentally dial that phone sex number I caught you calling?

OFFICER MA'AM:  Oh, this is no joke, Doctor.  (Sound of a hand rubbing cloth)  I  am as real as your erection, and I am an active officer of the Deviance Control Center, narcotics department.

IGOR (aside):  I can't believe this! maybe the vodka was tainted!

OFFICER MA'AM:  Shut up, freak!  You're an accomplice to all this, and you know it!  When I say jump, you jump!

IGOR:   I'm jumping!  I'm jumping!

OFFICER MA'AM:  And when I say scratch, you scratch!

IGOR: Damn chiggers!

FRANKENSTEIN:  What's your name, anyway?  And do you have a badge or something?

OFFICER MA'AM (increasingly aggressive):  That's not important, "Dr. Curiosity".  You know what killed the cat, now, don't you?

FRANKENSTEIN:  You know about the monster?!  It hasn't hurt anybody, has it?

OFFICER MA'AM:  Oh, I know about the monster alright.  It's in your head, Frankenstein, and I'm not gonna let you poison the minds of this Great Country's young people!  I'm gonna LAY DOWN THE LAW!

SONG: "LAY DOWN THE LAW"

OFFICER MA'AM

I'm gonna lay, lay, lay, lay down the law!

FRANKENSTEIN & IGOR

We're gonna get busted if she
lays, lays, lays, lays down the law!

OFFICER MA'AM

You better believe it!

It's time to forget about your chemical tricks
It's the Original Sin, and you just can't fix it
when the apple is eaten
and the core is exposed
God comes to bust you and the case is closed!

(creaky door slams shut)

(Musical Crescendo)

Gimmee some backup!

ALL THREE OFFICERS

We're gonna lay, lay, lay, lay down the law!

IGOR

I think we've been busted!

ALL 3 OFFICERS

Gonna lay, lay, lay, lay down the law!

FRANKENSTEIN

Pinch me, I'm dreaming!

ALL THREE OFFICERS

You're not dreaming!
You're not dreaming!
Wake up, wake up!
You're not dreaming!

(Musical Interlude)

OFFICER MA'AM    We're gonna
OFFICER 1    lay,
OFFICER 2    lay,
OFFICER MA'AM    lay,
ALL THREE OFFICERS     lay down the law!

FRANKENSTEIN & IGOR

Treated unfairly...

OFFICER MA'AM   Gonna lay
OFFICER MA'AM & OFFICER 1     lay,
ALL THREE OFFICERS     lay, lay down the law!

FRANKENSTEIN

I just can't believe it!

OFFICER MA'AM

Seeing is believing
you should know that by now...
Step out of line
too many times
the pistol goes...

ALL 3 OFFICERS (OFFICER 1 & 2 fire shots by accident on "Pow!")

POW!

(One of the shots has hit FRANKENSTEIN's chandelier, and breaking glass is heard.)

OFFICER MA'AM:   Stupid, you shot the light out!  You let them escape!  Quick, we've got to find them!

OFFICER 1: Wait!  Can we finish the song first?

OFFICER MA'AM:    Let's do it!

(music rises as though musicians are unsure if this is their cue, results in slower version of the song, now in big band style.)

"LAY DOWN THE LAW (Reprise)"

OFFICER MA'AM  We're gonna lay...

OTHER TWO  We're gonna lay...

OFFICER MA'AM  Down the...

ALL THREE OFFICERS   Law!

OFFICER MA'AM

You're busted!

OFFICER MA'AM  (after music ends)

Let's get lem, boys.

(one more musical finale)

ANNOUNCER:  Observers!  Behold the break in our story at this moment.  Busted by the dominatrix Officer Ma'am, Frankenstein and Igor manage to escape in the darkness.  As I speak, the Daring Duo are handcuffed together and wandering the streets of Chicago.  Not safe.  Add to that the fact that they are wanted by the kinkiest division of the Deviance Control Center... now that could be good or bad.  But what of the monster?  The beast around which our entire story revolves-- where is he now?  To what stinking sewer or garbage-filled back alley has the creature gone for refuge... ?

(An enthusiastic voice bellows "The 1996 Windy City Conservatives Cocktail!!".   There is low conversation on political topics (actors ad lib) until a knock comes on the door.  BILL breaks out in hysterical laughter)

BILL:  Oh, this is great!  Halloween night!  I knew we should have made it a costume party!  We always have to be so conservative!  Come on in, old boy!  Great Frankenstein costume!  Have a drink.

JENNY MAY (Bill's wife):  Is that you, Roger?

MONSTER (clearing throat, then... ): Um...

BILL:  Of course it is!  Who else could it be?  Now we know what took you so long, old buddy: that costume's a humdinger!

MONSTER:  Um... thanks.

JENNY MAY:  Roger, where's Pam?  I thought she was coming...

MONSTER:  Pam?

JENNY MAY:  Pam... your wife!  Mv best friend!

MONSTER:  Of course, I was just testing you.  Ha ha.  Um... she didn't feel very well tonight.  She, uh, decided to stay home.  Do you have a phone?

BILL:  Do we have a phone!  Ha!  This guy's a riot.  Same old Roger:  busy, busy!  He was taking phone calls at his own wedding, for crying out loud!  Phone's in the kitchen, pal!  I love that guy!  Always knows how to loosen up a party! (He pours himself an audible drink)

(Conversation resumes in the room about business, politics, Halloween, anything... )

ANNOUNCER: Now what strange scene is this?  The monster, hideous as he is, managing to dupe a roomful of people?  Perhaps the beast is truly intelligent and has learned to try blending in with the city's population.   What, you may ask, would he want to make a phone call for?  Actually he's trying to order a pizza for delivery, but that is of little concern now.  The Monster is about to be discovered!

(Conversation is again audible for a moment when another knock comes on the door.  BILL opens it.)

BILL: Welcome!  Wait... Roger!  Pam!  But I thought...   Hey... you're not Roger!  This is Roger!  And Pam's not sick, are you Pam?  I think you'd better identify yourself, Mister, before I call the authorities!

(MONSTER grunts and is frantic now that he's been discovered. He makes for the door.)

BILL:  Ha!  You're not getting anywhere, buddy!

(music for "Who  Is The Freak-" continues to pick up tempo while the cocktail guests discover the reality of the MONSTER.)

ROGER: Take off his mask!

BILL (after trying to pull the MONSTER's mask off and discovering it's not a mask, all gasp, and then:)   Uh oh.

JENNY MAY:    It's... not a mask!

(MONSTER growls savagely)

SONG: "WHO IS THE FREAK?"
BILL

Who is the freak?  Who is the freak?
It doesn't take a second look to feel you're in a comic book...

BILL & PAM

Who is the freak?  Who is the freak?  Ain't it a riot he came to society?

BILL & PAM & ROGER

Who is the freak?  Who is the freak?  It's taken something pretty Queer to give me such irrational fear...

ALL EXCEPT JENNY MAY AND MONSTER

Who is the freak?  Who is the freak?  Should we shake the Hand of Fate and seek to exterminate?

(tempo increases)

BILL & PAM

Who could dare to be so smug
as to walk into a party with such a mug?
This misfit... he must be a thug!

BILL  Who is the freak?
PAM  who is the freak?
BILL   Doesn't take a second look
PAM     to feel you're in a comic book...

BILL  Who is the freak?
ROGER  who is the freak?
BILL  Ain't it a riot he
BOTH  Came to society?

ROGER  Who is the freak?
PAM  Who is the freak?
ROGER   It's taken something pretty Queer
PAM   to give me such irrational fear...

ALL EXCEPT JENNY MAY AND MONSTER

Who is the freak?  Who is the freak?
Should we shake the Hand of Fate
and seek to exterminate?

PAM

Weird went "out" with the seventies and shag rugs

PAM & BILL

Lava lamps and little rubber glow bugs...

PAM, BILL, & ROGER

This is why we quit the drugs!

ALL EXCEPT JENNY MAY AND MONSTER

(repeat: "who is the freak?...- section)
 

ROGER:   Hold him!  He's struggling free!

(MONSTER growls. ROGER groans and hits the floor.  The MONSTER is gone.)

BILL:  Fiend!  Come back here, you monster!  Show yourself! (Back to the others)  Did you see him?  Did you see him?  He is not a man!  That was a beast in here a moment ago.  Superhuman in strength!

JENNY MAY:  Bill!  There's something wrong with Roger!  BILL: What?  Oh my God!  Roger!  Roger!  Can you hear me?  ROGER (very weakly):  My heart...

BILL:  Oh, Jesus, Roger, what has he done to you?  Roger!  That creature is responsible for this!  Oh, Roger, speak to me!

JENNY MAY:  It was just an accident!  Oh, Roger, all he did was knock you down!  You're gonna be okay, do you hear me?

(Pause)

ROGER (on his deathfloor):  ... why... ?

BILL: Why what, Roger?  C'mon old pal, don't kick out on me now... Listen to me, old buddy, we've been through it all together, right?  I mean... everything!  You willed me half of the business, didn't you?

JENNY MAY (exasperated):  Bill!

BILL:  Not now, honey, this is important.  Roger... tell me you came through for me... 50%, right?  I gotta have veto power on the B.O.D., you know that...

(ROGER says something almost inaudible)

BILL: Roger!  What did you say? (ROGER tries again)

BILL:  What?

ROGER  (low whisper):  ... 45%...

BILL:  45%... (grabbing him by collar) 45%!  You four-flushing old codger!

JENNY MAY:  Leave him alone!

PAM:  Roger!  Oh, Roger!

ROGER:   ..."The Horror... The Horror"... (gasps his last)

JENNY MAY (pausing to check pulse and listen, then to BILL):  He's dead!

MONSTER (breathless from running): This is far enough!  Oh, what have I done?  I've only been in this world a short while, and my fate seems sealed.

(Music intro to next song begins.  Keyboards and strings.)

 

SONG: "THE OLD CODGER (MY FRIEND ROGER)"

MONSTER

Hello... I don't believe we've met
You don't know me at all, but you know my regret.
There's a man in that house, there, whose heart has stopped beating
by the strength of my hand and a voice keeps repeating...

You killed the Old Codger!
You killed the Old Codger!
The Bird of Destiny swooped
but you just couldn't dodge'er!
You killed... the Old Codger!

Excuse this tardy exposition
but understand my unique position
It seems I've been thrust on a crazy scene
where being ugly is reason to be treated mean
You know what I mean...

BILL

You killed my friend Roger!

PAM

You killed my dear Roger!

JENNY MAY

The Bird of Destiny swooped

JENNY MAY and OTHER GUESTS (not BILL or PAM)

And you just couldn't dodge'er

ALL EXCEPT MONSTER

You killed... my friend (PAM "my dear") Roger!

MONSTER

Don't, if you will, be so quick to judge;
against all you people I harbor no grudge!
You assaulted me first,
now tell which is worse:
the initial attack
or that I fought back?
And I killed the Old Codger!

ALL EXCEPT MONSTER

A cold-blooded deed!

MONSTER

I killed the Old Codger!

ALL EXCEPT MONSTER

we'll avenge him with speed!

MONSTER

The Bird of Destiny swooped

ALL

And you (MONSTER: "I") just couldn't dodge'er...

you (I) killed... (the old Codger) (my friend/dear Roger)!

(As music comes to a finale, one monotonous note persists as the intro to the psychedelic scene)

ANNOUNCER: Imagine!  Picture, if you will, in your higher minds, the birth an unspeakably deformed creature, who strives at first to break the chains of his monstrosity and live amongst humankind, but is persecuted, assaulted, and held responsible for the death of a man with a weak ticker.  Does this only prove that a monster can be nothing more than a monster... that indeed all of us are locked within our narrow predestinations...?

(He is then interrupted by the SOUND ENGINEER and tone stops abruptly)

ENGINEER:  Excuse me... sir?

ANNOUNCER:  What?  What is the meaning of this?  Can't you see I'm ON here?

ENGINEER: Of course, sir, but there's been a complication with Frankenstein and Igor.  It seems the actors are, um, tripping, sir.  The director sent these script revisions.

ANNOUNCER: Gimmee that! (rustling papers)  Ahem... as I was saying... have Dr. Frankenstein and Igor created a monster in every sense of the word?  Is it time to attend the school of hard knocks?  They have completed their homework, ladies and gentleman, but can they pass the test... with flying colors?

(The monotonous note that continued all through the ANNOUNCER's spiel now takes on an eerie dreamy quality.  Thunder booms, as it is still storming in Chicago.  Rain is heard constantly.  All of this is still relatively low-key, however, and not dominant over the following dialogue...)

FRANKENSTEIN:  Igor... are you seeing what I'm seeing?

IGOR: Why... what are you seeing?

FRANKENSTEIN: A shit-load of stuff, Igor.  Do you think we really spiked that vodka by accident?

IGOR: I think that's safe to say.  Either some asshole just opened Pandora's Box or I'm tripping my balls off!

(Loud MONSTER growl is heard)

BOTH:  Jesus!

FRANKENSTEIN (in terror): You heard that too?!

IGOR:  Heard what?  I thought I just saw Jesus walking in the street there...

FRANKENSTEIN:  Igor, pull yourself together!  Somehow I don't think the Second Coming of Christ would take place in Chicago!

VOICE OF MONSTER (ominously from above): Don't be so sure!

FRANKENSTEIN:  Igor?

IGOR: I heard that one!

VOICE OF MONSTER: You cowards!  You who created me... you who made me despicable and left me prone to persecution... look at you now!

FRANKENSTEIN: Who... who are you?

VOICE OF MONSTER: You know who I am, Doctor; I wear a crown of thorns because of you.  The first thing I felt upon entering this world was pain, and though I tried to mingle peacefully with the masses, it is only pain that I may cause.  Therefore I will direct my attentions to you, and make you to chase me to the ends of the earth to finish what you started.  Because I have learned, and you should have known before, that there is no place anywhere for a monster...

FRANKENSTEIN:  What!?

VOICE OF OFFICER MA'AM: The monster is in your head, Doctor Frankenstein....

(The M0NSTER growls and OFFICER MA'AM laughs maniacally)

FRANKENSTEIN (scared shitless):  Aaaahhh!  Igor!  What's happening?l

IGOR:  Gee, I sure wish we had that strobe light to play with right about now... did you check out the trails when you turn your head real fast... ?

FRANKENSTEIN:  Igor, this is no joke!  It raining cats and dogs, I'm half out of my mind, and my clothes are soaked!

IGOR:  Hee hee... that rhymed!

FRANKENSTEIN: That's it!  That's the last straw!  I can't believe I'm handcuffed to such an idiot!

IGOR:  Doctor, with all due respect to your experience, and in full cognizance of the fact that you've taught me everything I know, I'd like to cite an example of where you don't practice what you preach.  I quote, from your essay entitled "The Importance of Setting During a Psychedelic Experience", ahem, "The tripper should not be subjected in any circumstances to attacks upon his person or character..."

VOICE OF GOD (interrupting): This is no guided tour tonight, Igor...

IGOR: Who's that?

VOICE OF GOD: This is God, Igor, speaking directly to you.

IGOR:  Oh my God... I mean... yeah.

VOICE OF GOD:  You have a mission, Igor.  Are you listening?

IGOR:  Yes, of course.  Am I going to get to see you ... um... my Lord?

VOICE OF GOD:  Sorry,  Igor, but you didn't take that large a dose.

FRANKENSTEIN:  Igor, who the Hell are you talking to?

IGOR:  Watch your mouth, Doctor!  I've got the Heavenly Father on the line here...

FRANKENSTEIN:  Oh, this is too much.  Don't you realize what's at stake here?  We've got a mankilling monster on the loose, and it's up to us to put a stop to him!  We have the lives of innocents in our hands!

(The MONSTER growls loudly from above)

BOTH:  Jesus!

FRANKENSTEIN: Where?

IGOR:  No!  The Monster, the Monster!  I heard him this time!

FRANKENSTEIN: Okay... listen carefully, Igor.  We are tripping on LSD.  We don't know our asses from... LITTLE TINY HOLES IN THE GROUND, Igor.  That's right: our very rectums evade us.  We are crazy.

IGOR:  We're nuts!

FRANKENSTEIN:  Bonkers!

IGOR:  Raving mad!

FRANKENSTEIN:  We've lost our minds completely, Igor... but we've got to find that Monster!  We've made a terrible mistake, and now we've got to fix it!

IGOR:  What are we gonna do?

FRANKENSTEIN:  We're gonna... pray, Igor.  We're gonna pray.

IGOR:  Oh, that's a fine idea!  I just talked to God and he was less-than-sympathetic!

FRANKENSTEIN:  Well, let's at least see if we can get out of these cuffs! (spooky noise) Um... do you hear something?

IGOR:  No.  Nothing that's there, at least!

FRANKENSTEIN(frustrated):  Okay, we've got to get out of these cuffs.  Oh, for crying out loud!  We're so wasted we're never gonna get anything accomplished...

IGOR:  Wait!  Let's try the fire escape!

FRANKENSTEIN:  The fire escape?  Igor, our reasoning skills leave a little something to be desired right now. (By this time psychedelic noises have risen high in the mix)  And one other thing....

IGOR:  Yeah?

FRANKENSTEIN:  I think I'm peaking.

IGOR (confirming tone):  Yeah.

FRANKENSTEIN:  We may be handcuffed, Igor, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm fit to be tied!

(Music rises for the Big Psychedelic Number.  All forms of audible madness are acceptable during this song, a blues number...)

SONG:  "FIT TO BE TIED"

FRANKENSTEIN & IGOR

When the moon is green and glowing, flowing...
you realize Darwin hadn't lied...
as you see the hair on your knuckles growing...
Call in the whitecoats!
You're fit to be tied!

Fit to be tied!
Fit to be tied!
You laugh aloud at solemn news
when you know you should have cried...
You're loony! ... and fit to be tied!

FRANKENSTEIN (enter OFFICER MA'AM)

When the walls squeeze like a trash compactor...

IGOR

And you ask as your Ego is sizzled and fried...

FRANKENSTEIN

Am I Dr. Frankenstein, or am I just an actor?

IGOR (enter OFFICERS 1 & 2)

Call in the whitecoats!

FRANKENSTEIN & IGOR

You're fit to be tied!

ALL

Fit to be tied!
Fit to be tied!
when you see three eyes on everyone
you're finally bonifide-ly... fucked up!
You're fit to be tied!

(musical interlude)

ALL

Fit to be tied!
Fit to be tied!
When your feet on the ground
are three miles down
you know you've gotten too high!
You're spaced out... and fit to be tied!
 

(Song ends and the scene is BILL and JENNY  MAY'S bedroom)

BILL:  Jenny, what are you doing?

JENNY MAY:  Packing.  I'm going to stay with Pam for awhile.
Keep her company.

BILL:  What?  Don't you think she'll be alright by herself?  I mean... I want you here with me.

JENNY MAY:  Well I don't want to be here with you!

BILL:  What?

JENNY MAY:  You're an insensitive bastard and I don't want to be near you!

BILL:  What are talking about?  Where's all this coming from?  I've had a difficult enough day, don't you think?

JENNY MAY:  Oh, don't tell me about your difficult day. (spiteful pause)   My condolences on not getting half the company.

BILL:  Jenny!

JENNY MAY:  I know that's all you care about.  Your best friend's dying in your arms and all you care about is money!  You made me sick today... I wanted to throw up all over you!

BILL:  Jenny, you've got it wrong.  I was just watching out for us...

JENNY MAY:  Don't talk to me right now.  Don't call me, don't visit me. I'll come back when I'm ready... when Pam's alright.

BILL: Jenny May, I order you to stay here in this house.  You're my wife, damnit!

JENNY MAY:  Order this.      (slams door)   Shit!  I ran out in my robe... (car horns honking, general street noises that continue through scene then she gasps loudly as she bumps into the M0NSTER  Do I know you?

MONSTER:  No.

JENNY MAY:  Are you sure?  I think... here, will you take off your hat?  (gasps in surprise)  You're the Monster!  Oh Lord...

MONSTER:  No, wait!  Stay, please I mean you no harm.

JENNY MAY:  I can't stay, really.

MONSTER (fishing for sympathy and getting a bite):  Yes you can!  Please!  I need your help... I need to talk to someone.

JENNY MAY: It's dangerous for you to be out here.

MONSTER:  I know.  I guess I come as somewhat of a shock to most folks.

JENNY MAY:  You can say that again.  What's up with you, anyhow?  What happened to make you so... you know.  It looks like you've been through the ringer, but you're naive as a child sometimes.

MONSTER (sappy monologue):  What do you expect?  I'm not even two days old!  I was cloned, mutated, and given an artificial intelligence.  Unfortunately for me, my creator never suspected my mind would become autonomous, and I would break free from him like a bird from the nest, and seek to live in a society of peers.

JENNY MAY:  It's gonna be pretty difficult. on this planet, at least.

MONSTER (regretfully, after a pause):  I didn't mean to kill the old man, you know.

JENNY MAY:  Oh, I know... I heard what you sang back there.  What's that thing on your head, anyhow?

MONSTER:  My creator installed it.  He thought he could control me with it.

JENNY MAY:  It's... a crown of thorns!

MONSTER:  A mass of electrodes, actually.  He zaps me with it.

JENNY  MAY:  That's horrible! where is he now?

MONSTER:  Who knows.  I sensed trouble around there and split.  I was barely born.

JENNY MAY:  You're... sensitive.

MONSTER: What?

JENNY MAY:  You have feelings.  Lots of guys forget about them.

MONSTER:  But there, s a lot of things I ... don't understand yet.

JENNY MAY:  I know the feeling. (kissing noises)

(footsteps)

JENNY MAY:  I think someone's coming!  You'd better hide.  Run away!

MONSTER:   Goodbye.

JENNY MAY:  Maybe I'll... see you again.

(Street noises fade out and music builds)

SONG: "UGLY AS SIN"

JENNY MAY

I don't even care if he's ugly as sin
I don't even care 'bout the trouble he's in
I don't listen to the conservative spin
All I really know is I LOVE HIM!

But he's not like us...
He's not like me and you
And all they want to do
is persecute him.

And I never knew...
'Cause I never asked...
that to sin could be such a blast...

And it's not a sin
'Cause "Out" will be "In"
And the first one now will always later be last.

Idon't even care if he's truly grotesque
A down and dirty lover will treat you the best
I've lost my opera glasses- now it's time for Burlesque!
The Love Police have MADE THEIR ARREST!

And I never knew...
'Cause I never asked...
that to sin could be such a blast...

And it's not a sin
'Cause "Out" will be "In"
And the first one now will always later be last.

I don't even care if he's ugly as sin
I don't even care 'bout the trouble he's in
I don't listen to the conservative spin
All I really know is I LOVE HIM!

But he's not like us...
He's not like me and you
And all they want to do
is persecute him!

Persecute him!
Persecute him!

(jazzy finish, and the next scene is back on the streets of Chicago...)

IGOR (waking): ... What?  Where am I?  I can't move!  Wake up, Masster!  I... (struggling) am... definitely... restrained!  Wake up!

(DR. FRANKENSTEIN mumbles unintelligably)

IGOR:  Wake up!  We've got a serious problem here...

FRANKENSTEIN (in his sleep):  Call in the whitecoats!  You're fit to be tied!

IGOR (screaming):  HEY!

FRANKENSTEIN (startled awake):  What?  Who?  Igor, don't EVER just yank me out of a psychedelic slumber again, do you understand me?  That can be damaging.

IGOR:  Sorry, Masster, but look at us.  We're all tied up!

FRANKENSTEIN:  Of course we are!  We were arrested again, remember?  The cops found us!

IGOR:  What cops?

FRANKENSTEIN:  The cops that arrested us the first time!

IGOR:  Oh, yeah.  Right.  But I don't remember them catching us again!  All I remember is talking to God and staring at my knuckles.

FRANKENSTEIN:  You missed all the fun.

IGOR:  I had my share.  But I still don't understand one thing.  How come we're not in jail?  Where are the cops?

FRANKENSTEIN:  Good question... they seem to have just... left us here.

(throbbing bass undertones for next scene)

MONSTER (soberly): ... Frankenstein... (gasps)

FRANKENSTEIN:  YOU!  Lord Almighty, you're real!

MONSTER:  Last I checked.  What did you think?

FRANKENSTEIN:  I guess I don't know what to think anymore.

IGOR (utterly fearful):  Masster!  Is that... ?

FRANKENSTEIN:  Yes!

IGOR:  I mean... ?

FRANKENSTEIN:  YES!

IGOR:  It's the... ?

FRANKENSTEIN:  YES!  Yes, Igor, that is our creation!  Isn't he beautiful?

MONSTER:  No!  I am not beautiful.  I have gone out into the world of men and women and they have decided this issue for me.  I am most assuredly not beautiful.

FRANKENSTEIN:  You've mingled with people?

MONSTER:   A bit.

FRANKENSTEIN:  That's mad! what did they do?

MONSTER (bitter):  It's not mad, Frankenstein, you're mad. mad for giving birth to me with such... irregularities in my appearance.  I need love and acceptance like any other being, and because of you, I can't get it!

FRANKENSTEIN:  Oh, c'mon now.  I gave you a handsome build... surely some nice young woman has seen fit to throw you her attentions ...

MONSTER:  Well, maybe one...

IGOR:  You got laid?

MONSTER:  No, just a kiss.  But it would never work!  Everybody around her wants me dead.  I don't blame them...

FRANKENSTEIN:  What do you mean?

IGOR:  Christ, I haven't had a date in six months!

FRANKENSTEIN:  Shut up!  What do you mean, you don't blame them?

MONSTER:  I mean just that.  I don't blame them for wanting me dead.  I killed an old man.

FRANKENSTEIN:  What?

MONSTER:  It was an accident, but I killed him just the same.  They came at me first.  I was just trying to get away.

IGOR:  This is getting very complex.  So was she cute, or what?

FRANKENSTEIN:  Igor!  Don't you realize the implications of this?  A man has died by the monster's hands, and we will be considered accomplices!  In the eyes of the law, we're murderers!

MONSTER:  Well boo hoo hoo I feel bad for you, Doctor.  Try being the subject of mass ridicule!  Having the cops after you is one thing, and believe me, they're hot on my heels, but to face utter rejection from an entire species so like yourself yet... so unlike... that to gain respect among them is impossible!  That is the worst persecution, Doctor.

FRANKENSTEIN (giving it some thought):  No, I think I understand.  You don't know how much I understand.  You don't know the risks we took to give you life, the kind of hard drugs we were synthesizing in our lab to alter the basic genetic material... and we enjoyed those hard drugs, didn't we,  Igor?

IGOR:  Yesss, Masster!

FRANKENSTEIN:  But those drugs are highly illegal!  The charges we face for those are far greater than those concerning our involvement in the death of human being!  That's how crazy the authorities have gotten!

IGOR (interrupting):  Hey, I don't mean to interrupt your sermon, but don't you think we should get out of these ropes?

FRANKENSTEIN:  Yes!  Oh, to have use of my arms again.  Please, my creation, my pride and joy...

IGOR:  My son!

FRANKENSTEIN:  Please, kind man, see it in your heart to untie us, would you?

MONSTER:  You must be kidding!  And have you use your torture device on me again?  Look at the crown of thorns I wear because of you!

FRANKENSTEIN:  No!  You musn't worry.  I destroyed the controller. we will never hurt you again.  We were just trying to teach you to... behave... so nothing like what's happened would happen.  You see, we were thinking of you the entire time.

MONSTER:  Oh, Doctor.  I know we all have our crosses to bear.  Here let me help you with these ropes.  I have come to tell you of my decision.  I stand no chance of gaining acceptance around here.  This is middle America.  I've decided to make a pilgrimage... to go to a place where all sorts of people belong, where I can blend in like... kalhua and milk, you know?

IGOR:  Now, are you talking about the continental U.S. here?

MONSTER:  You bet!  I've heard there's a place where you can walk right down the street, no matter how weird or freakish you may appear, and nobody even looks at you sideways!  I'm going to Berkeley!

FRANKENSTEIN & IGOR (turning to each other):  Bezerkely!

MONSTER:  You've been there?

FRANKENSTEIN (shrugging):  Went to college there.  Never really occurred to me, but yeah, you'll fit right in, I suppose.

MONSTER:  You think so?  I hope you're right.  I mean... if there's no place for me there, where will I go?

IGOR:  Space?

FRANKENSTEIN:  Shut up.  I wish you well, my friend.  Unfortunately, I cannot remove your crown.  It's a permanent part of you.  Listen, will you keep in touch?  I hate to see you like this.  I'm sure you'll find your peace.

MONSTER (sobbing):  I know, I know.  I just can't despise you like I'm supposed to.  I can't deliver a good "hate the creator" monologue to save my life!  I'm an oversensitive 90s monster and there's nothing I can do about it!

FRANKENSTEIN:  Oh, come on, now!  You gave me a run for my money there for awhile.  You were great, really.  Scary... gothic.  They were loving you.

MONSTER:  I guess I should get to the airport before I run into any more trouble here.

FRANKENSTEIN:  Good idea.  Are you bringing anything with you, or... ?

MONSTER:  No.  I have no possessions.

FRANKENSTEIN:  Well take this.  It's a ring my mother gave me.

MONSTER:  I don't know what to say.

FRANKENSTEIN:  Don't say anything.  Just catch that plane.  You'll be late.

MONSTER:  Goodbye.  And...    thank you.

(footsteps off)

IGOR (after a pause):  Um...  what the Hell was all that about?

FRANKENSTEIN:  Calm down, Igor.  There was nothing I could do.

IGOR:  What do you mean?  He's a killer!

FRANKENSTEIN:  A killer, maybe.  A cold-blooded murderer... I don't think so.  But we have to capture him before he does more damage.

IGOR:  How will we f ind him?

FRANKENSTEIN:  You know that ring?

IGOR:  A tracking device!  Ingenious! (As they exit..)   I guess that's why I call you Masssssster!

FRANKENSTEIN:  I kinda like the ring of it myself.

(a bell ringing, then fused with a telephone bell...)

OFFICER 1:  Officer Ma'am, that's eleven calls this half hour.  We're required to report consensual anomalies of this sort to the Attorney General...

OFFICER MA'AM:  I know!  Don't remind me like I'm some sniveling cadet.  Just take the calls.

OFFICER 2 (hanging up phone):  Twelve monster sitings this half hour!

OFFICER MA'AM:  Fine, twelve then.  Somebody get me a cup of coffee.  No cream no sugar!

OFFICER 2:   Yes, Ma I am! (footsteps off)

OFFICER MA'AM:  This whole "monster" business has got to be one of Frankenstein's pranks.

(phone on OFFICER 2's desk rings)

OFFICER MA'AM (picking it up): Deviance Control Center... where... okay... okay... O'Hare?  Shit, hold on, I've got another call... (click) Hello?  Oh, hello, Mr. Attorney General ... yes, I know, we've been getting calls, too.  We believe it's a prank staged by two fugitives wanted on drug charges.  Yes, sir, that's right.  Of course we'll check it out.  We just got a call from the airport and we're headed there now... okay, Mr. Attorney General, we won't let you down... (click) Hello?  We're on our way... what?  The flight left already?  Book us for the very next flight to the same destination... right, three of us ... where are we going, anyway?  Berkeley?

OFFICERS 1 & 2 (to each other):  Berkeley!?

OFFICER MA'AM:  That's right, boys, Berkeley, California.  North American center of social deviance.  And you fellas better be on your toes.  It might be difficult to pick out the "monster" in the crowd...

(phone rings on OFFICER 2's desk)

OFFICER 2:  Deviance Control Center.  Name please?  Um ... yes, she's right here. (hands phone to OFFICER MA'AM, covering receiver and whispering:)  He wouldn't give his name.

OFFICER MA'AM:   I'll take that.  Yes?  Certainly, we'll take all the information we can get... What?  Ha!  Just as I suspected... What's that?  Okay... okay.  Who is this anyway?  Hello?  Hello?

OFFICER 1:   What did he say?

OFFICER MA'AM:   Oh, I'm so GOOD!

OFFICER 2:   What is it?

OFFICER MA'AM (satisfied beat):  Doctor Frankenstein and his pitiful servant Igor are going to be fleeing westward on Interstate 80.  And the monster is just another one of their little hoaxes.  The trip to Berkeley is cancelled!  It's about time we get to the root of this problem!

OFFICER 1:   But who was that on the phone?

OFFICER MA'AM:  I don't know.  Obviously he is privy to some inside information.  Perhaps he's an accomplice of Frankenstein's who's gone sour but is afraid of facing charges himself.  But no matter.  Let's get ourselves out near the Iowa border on 80 so we don't miss them.  That'll give us plenty of time.

("Who is The Freak?" musical interlude to next scene)

BILL:  This damn phone!  You still there, Peter?  What's that?  I've always told you you're the finest P.I. in the business!  What's that?  Oh, you said it... the guy's got a face like a junk bond collage.  What?  The rest of the photos?  Fax them right over.  What do you mean, my wife?  Peter, you'd better fax me the rest of those pictures before I CUT YOU OFF!  Peter?  Peter?  We got cut off!

VOICE  OF GOD:    Bill...

BILL:  What?  Who?

VOICE  OF GOD:   Put the phone down, Bill.  This is God.

BILL:  What's going on here?

VOICE OF GOD:  I usually don't speak to people like you, but sometimes I get bored...

BILL:   I'm losing my mind!

VOICE OF GOD:  Bill, do you know why Roger only willed you a non-controlling interest in the company?

BILL:   How would you know?

VOICE OF GOD:  Roger's right here with me, Bill.

VOICE OF ROGER:  Hey, Bill.

VOICE OF GOD:  It's because you're an asshole, Bill.  Devoutly an asshole.

BILL (aside): You've got to be kidding me...

VOICE OF ROGER:  Listen to the man, Bill. You'd be amazed at the influence this guy has.

VOICE OF GOD:  That's right, Roger.

VOICE OF ROGER:  They don't call him God cause he's a lame duck, you  follow me?

VOICE OF GOD:  Thank you, Roger.

VOICE OF   ROGER:  I mean, besides being the All-Seeing, All-Knowing--

VOICE OF GOD:  Roger, stop kissing up.  Go surf a cloud or something.  Now, Bill, are you still listening?

BILL (stupefied by now):  Uh huh. (nothing is heard)

BILL:   Yes?

(nothing)

BILL:  God?  Are you there?  For Chrissake, what I am doing?  This whole business with the monster has me hallucinating!  It's his fault, that animal, and he's been near my wife!  I'll get that sonofabitch!

(cliffhanger guitar noises, whatever that means)

ANNOUNCER (enthusiastic about the progress of the show):  Okay, okay!  So the story's just about telling itself by now, isn't it?  But my job here is far from over.  Some things still need explaining. (clears throat)  Sometimes, along one's spiritual path, the need for a place to call "home" arises.  Perhaps the place one once called home now feels stale and foreign, or perhaps one never had a home at all.  The protagonist of our tale belongs to the latter affliction; thus, he has decided to take a journey.  Persecuted in the city of his birth by those who worship conformity above all else, our monster is taking a pilgrimage to a place where maybe... just maybe... he could simply "blend in".  After all, everyone deserves a fresh start once in while. (raising voice) Yo!  Does the Monster have a song for us, or what?

ENGINEER:  Yes, sir!  He's ready!

ANNOUNCER:  Alright then... ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, to close out the First Act, the saucy and sensitive, the one and only... Frankenstein's Monster!

SONG: "A DOG WITH STYLE"

MONSTER

I wasn't born to a gentleman and a matron.
No, I wasn't blessed with that kind of luck.
I am the son of a wild imagination...
And it takes patience...
not to say WHAT THE FUCK!

But if they insist on treating me like a dog
I'll be a dog with style...
so give me a bone
and I'll give 'em back a smile!

Yes, I'm goin' where the sun shines so brightly
where I don't feel that I could ever lose...
Nobody there will care if I'm unsightly...
And I'll tell you contritely...
that no bad luck streak stands a chance
against the rhythm and blues!

So if they insist on treating me like a dog
I'll be a dog with style...
so give me a bowl
and I'll give 'em back a smile!

(joyous solo)

Now I know my story must really seem Absurd...
I got Ianesco's Rhinocerus by the horns...
But I'm not the only one here who's ever been
treated like a turd...
and every single day another monster is Born!

So if they insist on treating me like a dog
I'll be a dog with style...
so give me a bone
and I'll give 'em back a smile!

(Repeat chorus once more with dramatic finish)

ANNOUNCER:  Stay tuned next time for "Frankenstein, DoggieStyle!" Act Two, coming in just a few months (a lie).  Will the monster find enlightenment in California?  Will Doctor Frankenstein and Igor make it out of Illinois in their quest to find him?  Will Jenny may find her true love in the form of a mutant?  How will all of this affect the legislation of genetic science?  Please stay with us and have faith, 'cause we promise the next one will be much better!

("A Monster Is Born"  Fade-out music as ANNOUNCER continues)

ANNOUNCER:  The Mind Mined Theatre would like to thank all the people and forces without whom this would not have been possible.  All hail Discordia!

END


Marcus Del Greco has been writing for the page, stage, and record since 1992. He founded mindmined.com in 1998 and continues as editor and developer of this domain and a small network of other creative websites. He lives in Alton, New Hampshire.

Email: marcus@mindmined.com
Website: http://www.mindmined.com/marcus


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